Wednesday, August 1, 2007
I am an astronaut, I am drowning underwater
Reading:/b/
Smoking:Newports
I found out how to sleep!!
Alcohol.
I've been sleeping, but not really. I wake up constantly. I hear noises. The dog barks, I walk through the house and when I thought I turned all the lights off, some are on now. Really happened. Freaked me the fuck out. Walked all around the house looking for someone, thought is was Sam. Found the door only Sam comes through unlocked, which I was sure I locked. Didn't find him. Smoked instead of sleeping.
I had a breakdown the other day. God. I was in terrible shape. The next night, I decided to not stay at the house. I went to my grandmother's and her husband gave me some beer and I got wasted and I slept perfectly.
I've been thinking about what would happen if I died. Not suicidal thoughts, mind you, just, what if I died? What if I was on my way to work on the freeway, opened up the door, and fell out of the car? What if, while walking around the top of the wall of the hot tub, I fell off through the crack where the waterfall flows through and hit my head on the side before falling into the water? Blood would creep along the top of the water. I would fill and swell and hint on bursting. And it would take 2+ weeks before anyone found me. My work would fire me before they heard what happened. It'd be rumored, but no one at work would talk about it directly. Kate would think something was wrong when I stopped responding to her texts, and stopped answering the phone when she called. As a given, people would be upset. Wow. Did I just think all that through? Fuck.
Man.
I've existed in a state of mania for over 72 hours now. When I'm happy, am I really happy? Where did all that energy come from? When I crash, is it because I want to be so sad? Eh, don't think so. Risperdal treats it, so I've been taking it sometimes, but not enough for it to do anything. I just have a terrible memory. Information requested, manuscripts drawn up, appointment needed.
At least this week is going a little faster than last week. It's just today that's crawling by.
Whatever.
end transmission
Smoking:Newports
I found out how to sleep!!
Alcohol.
I've been sleeping, but not really. I wake up constantly. I hear noises. The dog barks, I walk through the house and when I thought I turned all the lights off, some are on now. Really happened. Freaked me the fuck out. Walked all around the house looking for someone, thought is was Sam. Found the door only Sam comes through unlocked, which I was sure I locked. Didn't find him. Smoked instead of sleeping.
I had a breakdown the other day. God. I was in terrible shape. The next night, I decided to not stay at the house. I went to my grandmother's and her husband gave me some beer and I got wasted and I slept perfectly.
I've been thinking about what would happen if I died. Not suicidal thoughts, mind you, just, what if I died? What if I was on my way to work on the freeway, opened up the door, and fell out of the car? What if, while walking around the top of the wall of the hot tub, I fell off through the crack where the waterfall flows through and hit my head on the side before falling into the water? Blood would creep along the top of the water. I would fill and swell and hint on bursting. And it would take 2+ weeks before anyone found me. My work would fire me before they heard what happened. It'd be rumored, but no one at work would talk about it directly. Kate would think something was wrong when I stopped responding to her texts, and stopped answering the phone when she called. As a given, people would be upset. Wow. Did I just think all that through? Fuck.
Man.
I've existed in a state of mania for over 72 hours now. When I'm happy, am I really happy? Where did all that energy come from? When I crash, is it because I want to be so sad? Eh, don't think so. Risperdal treats it, so I've been taking it sometimes, but not enough for it to do anything. I just have a terrible memory. Information requested, manuscripts drawn up, appointment needed.
At least this week is going a little faster than last week. It's just today that's crawling by.
Whatever.
end transmission
// posted by Codie @ 12:41 PM 
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