smoking: enough to make my stomach hurt
listening to: Boredom's Super ae album

Ultimately, one comes to terms with starvation. Money becomes short, and you'd rather have a pillow to sleep on than food in your stomach at all times. Luckily, I have a wonderful girlfriend who takes care of me. She'll feed me if I take care of my bills. Hell, she'd feed me even if I didn't. And she'd probably help me with my bills if I let her.

A few months ago I had just ended a pretty serious relationship. Well, it was serious at parts... but by the end it was kind of a joke (for me atleast). I had run away from home, and after staying with my previous girlfriend's family, I decided I needed out. I was feeling suffocated and obligated, and I just needed to start my life. So I did, rented a room with some friends in an old farm house, got a job at Burger King, and after a while got into the groove of things and started living. I finished up High School and immediatly moved to Lubbock. Better jobs, closer to my girlfriend, things of that nature. I had saved a little money to put a deposit on an apartment and after a while I got a job at a call-center, I am now; which leaves me here.

During my stint in the farm house, I had little money. I was barely scraping by in terms of rent, and I did a lot of bumming food from people. I ended up losing 30 pounds in a period of three months. I had been entering all sorts of manic moods, and my OCD and TS were at their worst (those aren't much better, now); so I didn't really care to eat anyway. If you have no appetite, you don't really care if you don't eat anything for weeks at a time. I was getting little sleep, and barely passing my classes. I do not recommend running away while you're still in school-- it's hard as fuck to keep up grades and a living situation under control.

But I did it, barely (the day before graduation I was still failing government-- thank god for understand teachers), and things got a little easier. The summer is here, and I have no plans for college as of yet. If I had things my way, I would stay with Kate and follow her to wherever she wanted to go to school. I'd probably work and get some sort of general degree-- Business or English or something, and continue to work taking small amounts of music courses on the sides until she got out of work and our financial status was secure and I could start schooling more for what I want to. Sounds a little stressful, and it is at times, but just the fact that I got out of a bad situation and have made it this far without failing too much has to say something.

I'm stranded, though, in this feeling of transition. It seems like I'm always stuck here. I've come to realize that there is no time of transition-- and if there is it lasts a couple of days at the most. What I'm stuck in is living life. And it drives me crazy. I am starting to feel like I used to, say, six months ago. Not to say that I don't love Kate and I'm not comfertable with her, because I really am. It's just how I get. I know she knows I love her.

I'm going to try and post a couple of times a week, at least. I did all of it but this last part at work, so we may see where that takes the blog, having something to write during work and all.
Sorry I'm bad at talking about things in person sometimes.

Love you, Kate.

end transmission